Coping With Grief During the Holidays

Christmas lights, festive music, and holiday parties can make December seem magical. But, for many, it’s a painful reminder of what’s been lost, of what will never be again.

For some, December carries an emotional tone of loss and regret, as the winter season and darkness descend upon the northern hemisphere. Cast into darkness, we are sometimes invited to confront our shadows, the feelings and experiences we can more easily ignore during the light of day. If your grief feels heavier, more burdensome, and if you’re wondering if you can even hold it anymore, you certainly are not alone.

Although the holiday season is gleeful and joyous for many, you might instead feel regretful, discouraged, melancholic, devastated, and angry. The contrast between the outward holiday cheer and the internal world of a mourner can make grief feel even more intense and palpable, and the season can feel especially lonely when everyone else is celebrating.

I want you to know that it’s okay to feel burdened, furious, devastatingly sad, and just not okay. What matters is that you compassionately give yourself the dignity of allowing every emotion to exist without added judgment, scorn, or self-criticism.

If you find yourself particularly achy and bereft with the weight of your loss perched heavily upon your chest, I encourage you to sit in the darkness for a while, perhaps with a trusted loved one to hold your hand and heart through it. To have the courage to feel its magnitude. To cry and scream, to let your grief move through you in whatever safe way your body needs. To do what you need to do. To trust yourself and your instincts.

You do not have to feel joyful, nor must you be excited or happy about the holiday season. You don’t have to celebrate if you don’t want to.

And, at the same time, you might also give yourself permission to feel joyful, to feel alive and hopeful and carefree for even a moment. You can choose to give yourself permission to set down your grief and allow yourself to experience wonder, awe, excitement, liberation, and freedom. To joyfully decorate a Christmas tree, celebrate the winter solstice or Kwanzaa, or enjoy Hanukkah with your loved ones.

Your grief might change moment to moment, hour to hour, day to day. Follow its rhythm and allow it to guide you. Whatever December brings, may you meet yourself with gentleness and warmth.